Fifty Ways to..

These gems of wisdom contributed by Rudy, with some assistance from his slave, Christina Clark.

1. A stick with a few dead leaves on it can make very scary noises. Take advantage of this fact.
2. Plastic bags can also be quite scary to other horses.
3. So can large pieces of rubber.
4. Well, Ok, pretty much anything can appear frightful when held in the mouth and shaken. It is very fun to chase around other horses using this knowledge.
5. Other horses also seem to be quite scared of loud noises. A hoof against metal works quite well.
6. Coughing loudly behind an unsuspecting horse can also be quite effective.
7. Most horses do not know what to think when you stand on your hind legs for more than 5 seconds at a time.
8. Most horses also do not know what to think when you climb into the salt feeder.
9. Or the grain feeder.
10. Neither do most people.
11. Any open object is meant to be climbed into. Never mind the size of the object in comparison to your size.
12. Also never mind that the object may be harder to exit than it was to enter.
13. Trailers are more fun to get into than they are to get out of. Do not consider this fact when entering the trailer; but strongly consider it when asked to get out.
14. Horse hair bears a striking resemblence to grass.
15. So does people hair.
16. All objects have the potential to be edible. Much tast-testing and chewing is required to discover this potential.
17. Other horses make interesting noises when you nip them.
18. especially when you nip them on the butt.
19. esepecially when the horse you are nipping is a female.
20. People make interesting noises when your place your foot on theirs
21. People also make interesting noises when you buck while they are sitting on your back.
22. The higher the buck, the louder the noise.
23. If you possess a large, hangy down thing, then you *are* a stallion, no matter what the vet did to you.
24. Be sure everyone *knows* that you are a stallion.
25. Mares find stallions very attractive. Remind them of this as often as possible. Ignore any rude remarks, or respond with one of the above techniques for regaining control of the herd.
26. Food was meant to be eaten and water was meant to be drunk.
27. Nothing can change this fact. The more barriers in the way, the more number 26 applies.
28. Water is also meant to be splashed in.
29. and rolled in.
30. These acts are more fun when someone is sitting on your back.
31. If something is fun without an audience, it is twice as fun with an audience.
32. the larger the audience, the greater the fun.
33. one word: flatulence.
34. bits were made to be chewed on. They were *not* made as a device to control you.
35. Ditto with halters.
36. and leadropes.
37. "Good boy!" should be music to the ears. Respond to this phrase with pricked ears and a happy face. This phrase always applies to you.
38. Come to think of it, "good boy" is the *only* phrase that always applies to you.
39. "No" does not apply to you. Ever. Neither does "naughty" or any similarly negative phrase.
40. Be sure your slave knows that these phrases do not apply to you and you do not appreciate any negative attitudes.
41. "Whoa" applies to you when you are tired of moving.
42. "Giddyup" applies when you are tired of standing.
43. Under opposite circumstances, each can easily be misinterpretted as the other.
44. In fact, most phrases can easily be misinterpretted to you liking.
45. Rules were meant to be broken.
46. Unless they are rules that you wrote.
47. Then they should be applied as often as possible.
48. In as many different circumstances as possible.
49. As long as possible
50. Possibilities are endless.

Rudy (Pondering why he is the herd outcast)